


The Twelve Days of Dwarfmas

by Lady_Lou_Of_Lothlorien



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Cute, Eventual Romance, F/M, Fluff, Podfic Available, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Romance, have fun, you prank the dwarves
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-30
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-05-16 01:31:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14801807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Lou_Of_Lothlorien/pseuds/Lady_Lou_Of_Lothlorien
Summary: Fem!Reader x Dwalin. In this story you joined Thorin's company when they saved you from the trolls (well, we all know it was Gandalf but shh). After joining the company, you decide to prank each and every one of them, and shenanigans ensue. Lots of shenanigans.





	1. Part One - In Which Thorin Screams Like a Girl

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first installation of this fan-fiction. All I can say at this point is I hope you like it! Please comment and give feedback, it would really be appreciated. This fiction is also posted on my tumblr, where I have the same user name as here but without the underscores.

You had joined their company completely by chance when they had almost been eaten by trolls. The trolls had captured you as well, and when Gandalf saved the lot of you, he decided it wouldn’t be a bad thing to have a more feminine presence in the group. He had given you some hushed instructions about keeping an eye on them for him when he wandered off occasionally, and you figured it was the least you could do to repay the Wizard who had saved your life. Besides, the dwarves seemed like good fun and the hobbit was unquestionably adorable.

Dwalin was especially fun, at least in your eyes. The entire company had been shocked with how quickly you’d gotten his gruff façade to fade away; you had him fooling about like a young dwarf within a matter of days. As soon as you’d met him, you knew he was someone you would be good friends with, maybe even more than friends, but it was early days yet and you were both having a lot of fun just the way you were.

However, you soon found the novelty of the situation wearing off and you began to feel the familiar itch of boredom just under your skin. The only way you could think of to fix this was to make you own amusement. You spent several nights with your brows furrowed as you tried to come up with something, _anything,_ to amuse yourself with. On the third night of your struggle you suddenly jumped up from your seat, a glorious idea having finally embedded itself into your brain. You were going to prank every last member of the company if it killed you. Except Dwalin, of course; he would be your helper. Internally smirking as you wondered how Dwalin would react if you referred to him as your side-kick, you wandered off to find him, knowing he was on watch only a short way from the main camp site.

 

* * *

 

Once you’d briefly explained your intentions to him, he was absolutely, 100% on board with your plan. It seemed that you weren’t the only one getting bored. He thought it would be a good way to get everyone to lighten up a bit, and he knew he could never refuse you anything.

Both you and Dwalin agreed that the first person to be pranked should be none other than Thorin Oakenshield, a.k.a. the single most broody member of the company. If anyone needed to lighten up, it was him. It was time to set the plan into motion. Though you had to speak in hushed whispers for fear of being overheard, you and Dwalin quickly came up with an idea of how you could prank Thorin. The two of you sat there snickering to each other as your eyes sparkled and you went over the details of the plan so that you both knew exactly what to do. Worried about your potential lack of sleep, Dwalin shooed you back to bedroll soon after you finished scheming. For the first time in days your steps were light and you were glad of it, you didn’t want your steps to wake any curious dwarves. You tucked yourself back down under your thick blanket with an absolutely shit-eating grin on your face which remained plastered on your lips even as you slept. When you awoke the next day you felt lighter than you had in weeks, and you couldn’t wait to set the plan in motion.

 

* * *

 

As soon as the words “we will rest for the night” came out of Thorin’s mouth, you knew it was time to act. The fire was lit and everyone settled down around it, their lips clammed shut just like usual. With an overly dramatic sigh that you made sure everyone heard, you spoke.  
  
“You’re all so antisocial; it’s getting ridiculous. I insist that we start talking to each other in the evenings. I will start tonight – I’m going to tell a story.” The look you shot Dwalin as you made eye-contact with him showed exactly how mischievous you were feeling and from the mirrored look in his eyes you knew he was just as excited as you.

You began to describe, in detail, the most terrifying story you could think of. You recited the tale of an evil four-armed forest spirit. She clung to existence years after she should have left it, feeding off of the souls of the men, elves, and dwarves she punished for the declining forests. She would hunt her chosen target silently for days and sometimes even weeks, but when the time was right she would grab at the man in the dark of night with her bark-like talons…  
  
“… and once she has all four of her hands on you, she never lets go.” You finished your tale with all the dramatic flair of an aspiring actress as the warm firelight flickered eerily over your features, making them appear sharper and more mysterious. Your eyes caught Dwalin’s for a moment and he winked at you but kept his straight face. Any shenanigans might give the game away.

 

The other dwarves all blinked and tried to shake off the slight yet lingering fear they had felt from such a tale. Another bonus came from your plan, for it seemed that they were willing to follow your story up with ones of their own. From then till it was time to settle down and rest properly the company shared stories of ghosts, demons, murders and everything in between. Though the subject matter was dark, the company settled down to sleep with lighter hearts than they’d had for days. It seemed that even talking about death was better than not talking at all. Thorin had the first watch. It was time for the real fun to begin.

  

* * *

 

You and Dwalin waited up whilst the other dwarves fell asleep one by one, though you both had your eyes shut for the most part to appear normal. From time to time you peeked out and snuck glances at Thorin. His brows seemed even more furrowed than usual, if that was even possible. At that thought, you had to quickly raise your hand to your mouth to hide your cheeky snickers before you were heard. You looked to Dwalin’s bedroll- he was watching you again with a fond gaze, and at your action he shook his head silently, amused.

Once Thorin’s gaze was firmly set away from you both, you rolled back your blanket ever so carefully and sat up, taking great care to keep your actions entirely silent. The tattooed dwarf’s ever-watchful eyes had seen your movements and he was soon doing the same. You stood together, holding back silent paroxysms of laughter so as not to blow your cover. It was Dwalin who moved first, taking a step towards the unsuspecting King with baited breath; who knew if you might step on something that would give the game away? Shaking your head, you smiled at your cautiousness. Nothing would get done if you were going to be this slow with everything.

Together you snuck into the bushes to set the scene for you mischief. A few rustles and some strange hisses that hurt your throat later and Thorin seemed very much on edge. His calculating blue eyes darted across the scenery for any sign of movement, but he found none. The two of you fell silent and still as his gaze passed right over your heads but you remained miraculously undetected. Not wishing to be caught you remained as you were for a few minutes longer before acting on stage two of the plan.

Dwalin was hardly light on his feet but somehow he managed to creep up behind his leader’s back just as quietly as you did, and you were impressed. That must have taken considerable effort on his part. You both leaned forward with outstretched arms, unaware of the hobbit watching you, much too frightened to sleep, and now much too curious to stop your actions. Once all four hands were in position, you looked to Dwalin and under your breath you mouthed the words “three… two… one-!” As the words left your lips the two of you sprang towards Thorin and harshly clamped your hands around his shoulders and waist.

You had been prepared for the consequences of your actions before, but you hadn’t expected one of those consequences to be a deafeningly high-pitched squawk that most definitely damaged your eardrums. King Thorin had leapt three feet into the air upon being grabbed – an impressive feat considering his usual height was only about 4’6” off the ground.

Behind you, there was a slight guffaw of laughter that was quickly muffled. Bilbo was awake then. Thorin stiffened once his feet reunited with the ground and he turned, an expression of absolute incredulity on his features. His unblinking eyes travelled from Dwalin to you and back again, noting how the two of you were barely able to stand through the mirth convulsing through your bodies. He blinked once, and again, weighing up what had happened in his mind and the potential consequences of his treacherous voice box and the girlish screech. He had soon made up his mind.  
  
“We shall never speak of this.” He commanded, his voice back to its usual depth and severity. Knowing that the hobbit had been awake to witness Thorin’s shame, you nodded innocently and Dwalin quickly did the same, following your lead.  
“But of course, my king~” Your voice was just a little too sweet for his liking – _what secrets are you hiding, confounded woman?_ He thought to himself, a scowl firmly in place.  
  
You and Dwalin scurried back to your bedrolls before Thorin could think of any further punishments, the both of you snickering like school children. The King under the mountain let out a sigh of relief, realising that any excitement for that evening from your quarter was now over and done with. It was in this relaxed state that he turned his suddenly admiring gaze to the bedroll belonging to their smallest companion, only to discover that he was awake and staring right at him, a teasingly questioning eyebrow raised on his pretty face.

Thorin blanched. If Bilbo was awake now, he had surely been in the same condition not two minutes ago whilst Thorin had been thoroughly embarrassing himself. The proud dwarf felt the tips of his ears tingle with warmth and no doubt he was blushing furiously yet the hobbit merely shook his head fondly and winked at him before crossing a finger over his heart to indicate his future silence on the matter. He then rolled over and tucked himself into his bedroll, no longer feeling frightened.  
  
Thorin let out a shaky sigh. He could not wait for this day to be over. 


	2. Part Two, In Which Fili’s Hair Changes Dramatically.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fili is the next up to be pranked, and that pretty much sums up this chapter. There's also some general cuteness from Dwalin, how sweet.

After pranking Thorin, you were a little unsure about who you should prank next. Granted, you knew you wanted to prank the whole lot of them, but Thorin had been an obvious place to start… who deserved to be second? These were the types of thoughts going through your mind as you sat with your back against a tree, the rest of the company huddled in their bedrolls. You weren’t really sure who was awake and who was asleep. Not that it mattered; you were the only one who was _supposed_ to be awake, as you had the first watch that night.   
  
With everything that had been happening to you recently - joining a company of dwarves and all the dangers that went with it – there was enough to think about and your ‘alone time’ passed quickly enough. And it did pass. Surely the person on schedule for the next watch should’ve come to relieve you of your duty by now? A scowl settled on your face as your eyes scanned the group of snoring dwarves. Fili was supposed to be replacing you on duty, and Fili just happened to be curled up next to his brother fast asleep.   
  
“Typical.” you grumbled under your breath, irritation seeping through your body. So what if Fili was tired? So were you, and you needed your beauty sleep just as much as he did. You stood up from the place where you had been sitting, your stiff joints groaning in annoyance at the movement. “Urgh..”  
  
Carefully, your feet carried you through the mass of sleeping dwarves, getting closer and closer to Fili with each sure step. At one point you stumbled, nearly falling flat onto Thorin. He’d been a little grumpy with you ever since the prank and he was finally starting to come back around; you couldn’t imagine how much angrier he would be if you woke him up on the one night that he hadn’t been scheduled for a watch.    
  
Suddenly, a large hand grabbed your ankle and you let out an embarrassing screech that thankfully didn’t wake anyone up. It knocked you off balance, making you flail and fall backwards, but you were caught by a certain pair of arms that were so unmistakably _Dwalin’s_ that you couldn’t help but smile, despite the fact that he’d almost made you fall on your ass.

“Hello?” Blinking up at him, you took a moment to admire his strong features. It wasn’t often that you got to be so close to his face. Within moments he cleared his throat, his ears visibly red as he straightened you and put you back on your feet. _How cute._  You thought to yourself. What would he say if he knew you thought he was cute? He might just kill you.

“Let the lad sleep—” He was trying to speak as quietly as he could, but that only made his already deep voice deeper and the sound sent a light shiver down your spine. You were about to protest, your eyebrows already furrowed with discontent at the idea of sacrificing your sleep for the young dwarf prince, but it turned out that wasn’t what Dwalin had in mind either.

“I’ll take his watch along with mine. You get some sleep lass.” He showed no hesitation, and quite frankly you felt your heart clench. The love and respect that these dwarves had for each other was unparalleled by anything you had witnessed before, and you knew better than to protest, though you knew the lack of sleep would take its toll on Dwalin.   
  
“Alright…” You paused, wishing to thank and praise him for his selfless actions though not entirely sure how to do it in a way that he would be comfortable with. Instead, you leant in and kissed his cheek softly. It was a simple enough gesture, but you could’ve sworn that the tips of his cuffed ears turned red again. Maybe it was a trick of the firelight, but whatever it was, you promptly went to your bedroll and curled up asleep, unaware of his eyes on you the whole time.

* * *

 

The next day, the lack of sleep was etched into Dwalin’s face in the forms of deep bags under his eyes and constant yawning. You felt bad; maybe you could’ve done something differently the night before. Even if Dwalin had insisted on not waking up Fili, you could’ve shared his watch. And what was the worst part about the whole situation? Fili didn’t even seem guilty, or grateful – he didn’t even seem to realise what Dwalin had done for him. The lion cub prince was completely oblivious to the way Dwalin swayed on his pony, barely able to keep himself awake. It made your blood run hot under your skin.

You sighed and shook your head. Surely, Dwalin was a strong dwarf. There was no need to beat yourself up about the situation, especially when it wasn’t even your fault. Besides, Dwalin wasn’t yours to take care of. Just as you’d managed to stop yourself feeling guilty, you heard a loud **thump**.

“What on earth??” Fourteen pairs of eyes darted around, trying to find the source of the sound. When you did, you felt your anger towards Fili return threefold; Dwalin had fallen off of his pony, and was now fast asleep on the ground with a nice big bruise forming on the side of his forehead.   
  
Suddenly, your mind was whirring with how you could repay Fili for inadvertently causing Dwalin an injury. You knew who you were going to prank next, but now you just needed to come up with a plan.

* * *

 

Thorin had demanded an explanation.

Dwalin had refused to let you tell Thorin it was Fili’s fault.  
  
You had explained the whole situation to Balin, thoroughly exasperated.

Balin had convinced Thorin that Dwalin was just running a light fever and needed extra rest.  
  
Thorin was satisfied and Dwalin could get the sleep he needed. You supposed it was a win-win situation, sort of. However luck was on your side that night as Fili would be asleep throughout the night; since he’d ‘been on watch’ the night before, he wasn’t scheduled for that evening. At least that would make your plan easier to execute. All you had to do was wait for the right moment.   
  
The right moment came when you saw Balin rise to take his watch. Balin was Dwalin’s brother, so of course he would be on your side in this, right? Besides, Balin was no snitch. He was one of your favourite dwarves, though he ranked under Dwalin (of course).   
  
With Fili fast asleep you snuck over to his side, pulling out the pouch of vibrantly coloured berries that you’d collected during the day. Working with haste lest you should wake him up, you ground the berries into a paste in a little wooden bowl that you’d snitched at dinner time when Bombur hadn’t been looking. Once you were done, you began the careful task of coating each and every lock of Fili’s blonde hair with the stuff without waking him up. It took ages- almost the entirety of Balin’s watch. Thankfully you managed to finish up in time and sneak back into your bedroll just before Kili woke up to relieve Balin. Though Balin wouldn’t betray you, you knew Kili would be the first person to tell his brother what was happening had he caught you.

* * *

 

The first thing that Fili noticed when he woke up was the unmistakable aroma of fruit, and a smile quickly spread across his face. His mind was already on breakfast. It was only when he went to move that he felt something oddly _wet_ brushing against his cheek. Something wet and … _sticky_. He sat up with a loud cry, his hand flying to his hair. What on earth was it?  
  
He pulled his hand back down in front of his face, and at first the red smears that it brought with it looked like blood to his sleepy mind. _Am I wounded? Am I dying??_ But then he noticed that the scent of berries was not coming from any close by cooking, but from himself, namely from his hair and from the hand he was currently staring at.   
  
Without further ado he jumped up and sprinted to the nearby stream, and Dwalin certainly didn’t miss the triumphant smirk on your face as he did. Balin merely shook his head. Meanwhile Fili was desperately scrubbing the last of the berry juice from his hair, violent mutters of “disgusting” falling from him as he did. Once he was finally done, he sighed in relief and ran a hand through his dampened but clean hair before wiping his hands on his thighs to help them dry faster. It was when he glanced back down at the now calm surface of the water, however, that he noticed something was really wrong. Though he had washed out all of the pulp from his locks, it hadn’t left him unscathed. His once blonde mane of hair was a bright and vibrant red. Fili blanched, the colour draining from his face as he stared at his reflection. He looked ridiculous… there was only one person who could have done this.   
  
Back at the camp, everyone was suddenly startled by an anguished yet furious cry of your name coming from the direction in which Fili had run in. Your eyes widened; if you didn’t get yourself protection quickly there would be dire consequences. With a warning look to the rest of the company that silently said “if you tell Fili where I am I’ll kill you”, you dived into Dwalin’s bedroll where the ‘ill’ dwarf was still safely tucked and folded yourself against the side of his body, pressing as close as you could. He snorted with amusement and simply pulled his furs up to cover you.

And when Fili came back to the camp, they were all too busy laughing at him to be able to tell him where you were hiding. For now, you were safe from his wrath, which he was never able to keep for long anyway.


	3. Part Three, In Which Kili Needs A Bath.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After pranking Fili, it's Kili's turn to be pranked, and obviously shenanigans ensue.

After the initial shock of going to bed with blonde hair and waking up with a colour that was by all accounts _not_ blonde wore off, Fili’s anger subsided dramatically. He was left with only a slight bitterness that he had been pranked and his younger brother had not. This was exasperated by the fact that Kili’s teasing of his new berry-tinted locks was constant and unyielding. You could almost find it in your heart to feel sorry for the young dwarven prince; he had, after all, fully paid for the heinous crime of Dwalin’s lack of sleep by now.  
  
This, however, gave you an answer to the question that had been troubling you once again -  who should you prank next? Of course it should be Kili. The young rascal should know better than to openly mock a pranked dwarf when the mastermind was still at large (not that it was any secret as to who the mastermind was.) After one particularly nasty comment comparing Fili’s locks to some strange vegetable you had never heard of – a dreadful insult to a people who seemed to despise vegetables so much – you had decided that not only would Kili be pranked next, but you would get Fili to help you and Dwalin in the execution of the plan. It would give him a chance to get his own back on his pesky younger brother, and you comforted yourself in the knowledge that soon yet another one of the company would be crossed off your list of people still left to prank. 

* * *

 

It was Dwalin’s idea that Kili’s prank should also include his hair in some way. “Aye, that would be the best way of letting the lad know he should nae’ make fun of his elders” And though Fili wasn’t entirely sure how he felt about being referred to as an ‘elder’, he appreciated and whole-heartedly supported the sentiment behind Dwalin’s statement. You had managed to steer them away from getting too caught up on the hair aspect, though, not wanting the pranks to be too similar. That was how the three of you arrived at the idea of involving Kili’s entire body in the prank – head to toe.  
  
The idea was formed and snickered over, and the plan was meticulously analysed down to the last detail. This would be perfect, and the whole brotherly revenge aspect added yet another layer of excitement.  
  
At one point in the early evening, you became so caught up fantasising about the endless outcomes of the prank, each one increasingly more amusing than the last, that you completely forgot about the bowl of stew lying unattended in your lap and growing cool.

It was Dwalin again who got you to snap out of you reverie. “Lass, If ye d’nae eat yer food you’ll waste away before ye even prank half of the company, let alone see the lonely mountain.” And so of course, you ate.

* * *

 

 The next night it was time to put your plan into action. The prank required quite a bit of preparation, which was no easy feat considering not only did this preparation need to be conducted swiftly, it also needed to be kept secret from Kili. If you’d been honest with yourself, had you simply conducted the plan as you had intended, you cover would most likely have been blown, yet all was not lost thanks to the actions of one special little hobbit.

Far more observant than the dwarves and with a sharp sense of hearing, Bilbo had already figured out that your next intended victim was Kili, not least because he had overheard the entire conversation you’d had with Dwalin and Fili. Truthfully the hobbit thought the pranks were a wonderful idea; it seemed you weren’t the only one who wanted the company to lighten up a bit. Bilbo witnessed you sneaking the empty bucket over to the ponies and he knew then that you were beginning your preparations. It didn’t take long for Bilbo to convince Thorin to take his younger nephew hunting, but honestly it never took Bilbo long to convince Thorin to do anything. You and Fili were watching from beside the ponies as the tips of the great king’s ears became almost imperceptibly redder during said conversation, and looking up you met Dwalin’s eyes from across the camp. He winked, mirth glinting in his dark eyes.

You and Fili filled the metal bucket to the brim with horse dung as quickly as you could – there was no knowing when Thorin and Kili might come back through the thick trees to the small clearing and completely ruin the plan. Then came Dwalin’s role to play in the affair, for you had no ladder;  his shoulders had to suffice. You planted your feet firmly on either one of his broad shoulders, feeling surprisingly stable, though you let your right palm rest against the tree trunk for a brief moment. Fili passed the bucket up to you once you were in place, and from there you carefully balanced the bucket on a tree branch overhead. Bilbo was settled beside Balin for the time being, the two of them watching on in curiosity, the older face more resigned to his brother’s foolish antics with you, the younger face more amused.

Once the bucket was in place, you hooked a rope through its handle and jumped down from Dwalin’s shoulders, his hands spreading out on either side of you as you did so to catch you if you lost your footing. He was always looking out for you – beneath his gruff exterior, he really was a very sweet dwarf. Humming mischievously, you hid the rope as best as you could before settling down to wait. That was all there was left to do.

* * *

 

 Soon enough, Thorin and Kili came back to the camp, their faces shining slightly with sweat. Their exertions had been worth it; the company would be dining like kings that night. Not wanting to get the food dirty, you allowed the young dwarf to pass under the bucket without letting it fall, though any who knew the plan could see the obvious displeasure on your face. How would you be able to get him to walk under that same tree again without seeming suspicious? A stony, disappointed scowl settled on your features. In your mind, you believed that the plan had failed.

Fili was not willing to let that happen. He had come too far and had suffered too much to let his little brother get away without being pranked too; his desire for revenge was strong, the heat of rage bubbling just under his skin. Fili would make it happen. With purpose in his steps he walked past you, giving you a meaningful glance as he did, and then he waited. Fili waited just long enough for Kili to have let go of the food before calling to him, and it truly was a struggle to contain his mischief from his tone.

“Come here, brother, I want to show you something!”  
  
In a moment of lapse judgement, Kili found nothing suspicious about Fili’s actions, and obediently began to traipse over to the older of the pair, who had positioned himself so that the easiest route to him was right past your tree. You had watched the exchange between them, of course you had. This was your chance, and you weren’t going to blow it a second time.

As Kili walked beneath the rigged tree, you reached behind the trunk and tugged on the rope as hard as you could. It stung your hands, leaving harsh red rope burns on your skin. With a gentle cry of unexpected pain, you let go of the rope – but it had not been for nothing.

Almost as if it were happening in slow motion, the entire company watched as the bucket toppled down from the branch and emptied it’s pungent contents all over the smug young dwarf. With no one to hold onto the rope, the bucket landed on him too, somehow settling over his head perfectly. The opaque metal of the bucket had him temporarily blinded and you being no fool knew this was your chance to escape from the dwarf before he realised what had happened. Once again you rushed over and ducked behind Dwalin, holding onto his forearm lightly as you peeked over his shoulder to assess the situation.

Kili was, surprisingly, quite calm. Slow, cautious hands rose to remove the bucket from his head and he placed it on the ground carefully, his movements almost trance-like. When he spoke, every single member of the company was silent, wanting to hear exactly what he had to say.  
  
“Brother.” He began, his calm façade slowly beginning to crumble. “Did you _know_ about this?” Kili’s voice shook lightly at the end; you didn’t think it would be possible for anyone to sound more incensed than Kili did at that moment. The look on Fili’s face told him all that he needed to know.

In a dash so fast you almost believed Kili must’ve had some elvish blood in him somewhere, he darted towards his brother, intending to catch him and force him to share the same stinky fate. Fili was having none of it, and instantly rushed off into the trees to get away from him.  
  
The rest of the company stood, watching them disappear into the trees.  
  
“Damn young dwarflings-“ Dwalin spat out, though he was evidently amused.  
  
“Be careful what you say about them in reference to their age, Mister Dwalin.” You began, amused. “After all, I’m only [y/a].”  
  
And you truly believed you heard the old warrior choke.


	4. Part four - In Which Bombur is Salty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter the everyone's favourite prankster (your fine self) focuses their efforts on Bombur. More shenanigans and hilarity.. you get the gist, any real hint you're gonna get to the chapter content is in the title of the chapter.

If there was one thing that the entire company could agree on, it was that Bombur did not eat healthily- far from it, in fact, and they were worried about him. His excessive consumption of sugar was his worst eating habit; the other dwarves didn’t want him to develop the ‘sugar sickness’, and you didn’t want him to either.

His addiction to the sweet substance was never more apparent than on the days when the company managed to find edible berries to have as some kind of dessert after their meagre dinner.

You were settled down beside Dwalin whilst the fire gained strength, stealing his warmth from him till the flames would be enough to keep you from shivering. When you looked around the campsite, it seemed as though most of the other members of the company were also huddled in small groups to keep warm except Gandalf, who merely tugged his long grey cloak tighter around himself and smoked his pipe intently as if the smoke could keep away the bitter cold.

That night Gloin and Oin had been in charge of foraging for any food they could find. When they returned, they carried the meat that was so desperately needed, but also a small mountain of berries that everyone had secretly hoped for. The only one who was less than pleased to see them return with their spoils was Bofur – they had stolen his hat to carry the berries in.

With dinner well under way, everyone’s spirits were raised. Bilbo was sharing gardening tips to anyone who would listen, though it seemed that no one was listening apart from Thorin, who listened as though his life depended on it and who’s eyes sparkled ever brighter with every word that flowed from Bilbo’s lips.

Fili, Kili, and Bofur were discussing drinking games and were trying to keep their voices down lest Thorin would hear them discussing such subjects, but they weren’t as successful at keeping their voices down as they thought they were. Luckily for them Thorin was otherwise engaged.

Everyone else was eagerly watching Bombur tend to the food carefully over the fire. The large dwarf truly was a gifted cook, making you all feel as though they feasted like kings every night despite the poor quality ingredients and the lack of choice.

 

* * *

 

Soon the company was eating heartily and the only sounds that could be heard were the sounds of cutlery scraping the sides of wooden bowls. The meat was devoured even faster than usual; everyone was eager to get on to their dessert. Bombur kept little pouches of spices and herbs about his person with which to flavour their food, and among the spices there were, naturally, little pouches of sugar and salt. On the rare occasion that there was a dessert, Bombur would always sprinkle a little of the sugar onto everyone’s food, though he kept it carefully rationed. That is to say, he rationed it for everyone else. For himself, he piled it on so high you could hardly see the food beneath.  
  
You shook your head as you watched him adding more and more sugar to his bowl of berries in what he thought was a surreptitious manner, though everyone could clearly see what he was doing. 

“How can he even taste the berries after adding so much sugar?” You whispered to Balin, who merely shook his head in resignation.  
  
“He’s always been like that, lass, best pay him no mind. We’ve all tried to get him to cut back before- it never works.” And with that it seemed that there was nothing left to say.

 

* * *

 

The next morning whilst Bombur was still asleep – he was such a heavy sleeper you were sure not even the death cry of a Warg would be able to wake him up until he was ready – you placed your hands on your hips and called the attention of all of the company who were already awake and willing to listen.  
  
“We need to do something about Bombur’s sugar addiction.” Your eyes met Balin’s and you saw him open his mouth to speak, so you held up a hand to silence him. “With respect, I won’t be taking no for an answer.” The Dwarf merely shrugged his shoulders and nodded in understanding as if he had been expecting such a reaction from you anyway. “I have a plan. I just need you to help me.”

 

* * *

 

It had taken Bofur and Bifur twice as long as normal to collect dinner, and that was almost entirely because you had told them that if they didn’t come back with berries there would be _severe_ consequences. It wasn’t so much that they were afraid of you – though they knew you were strong enough on your own – it was more that they feared what you would tell Dwalin to do to them.

Sure enough, when they came back to the camp they came with berries, just as you asked. You sent a sideways glance to Dwalin at the over-enthusiastic reaction Bombur had to the berries and Dwalin winked to you. So far the plan was going how you hoped it would.

Dinner went smoothly as usual, but then came the dessert. As Bombur travelled around to give everyone their ration of sugar, they all held out their hands as per usual, though when Bombur wasn’t looking they sprinkled the white crystals onto the floor rather than in their bowls. He, on the other hand, piled it on just like always.

The other members of the company smirked slyly as they looked around at each other, waiting for him to take a bite.

 

* * *

  

> **~ Earlier that evening ~**

You had been waiting for your chance to get at Bombur’s jacket without him noticing, and it seemed as though your time had finally come. Bombur was bathing a little way down the stream that the company had stumbled upon, and the dwarf had left his clothes in a neat pile, which you were slowly creeping towards. You were less than three meters away from the clothes when a strong arm suddenly snaked around your waist and tugged you back behind a bush.

“…!” You almost let out a loud squeak of surprise, only to find that the arm belonged to Dwalin, and so you merely raised an eyebrow and stared him down as you impatiently waited for your explanation.  
  
The gruff dwarf had shuffled about on his feet, struggling to meet your gaze as the tips of his ears began to turn red. You were still waiting for him to speak, however, and you didn’t have long before Bombur would finish bathing and the plan would be ruined.

“Well-?” You asked, you tone clearly showing just how unimpressed you were by his current actions, and you didn’t have till Durin’s day to wait for his explanation.

“Lass.. Bombur is bathing ..without ‘is clothes” He began, though he was clearly having some difficulty in saying exactly what he meant. It seemed as though he was merely trying to explain the situation in round-about terms to avoid telling you his true motives. Unfortunately for Dwalin, but luckily enough for you, the gruff dwarf was pretty transparent and easy to read- at least for you. 

Your arms, which had automatically become crossed as you stared him down, relaxed a little and your hands went to your hips as your expression changed from irritated to incredulous.

“Dwalin..” You began, the tone of your voice equal parts astonished and amused as the situation quickly became funny. “You’re not _worried_ about me accidentally seeing Bombur ‘in the nude’ are you?” It took all of your self-control not to snort after speaking, not wanting to let him know that you were on the verge of laughing at his actions, no matter how secretly endearing you thought they were.  
  
He couldn’t reply to you, but the way the red colour from his ears began to darken and spread down his face let you know you’d guessed correctly.

“Fine, you do it then, and I’ll stay here.” He nodded at that, shuffling away almost bashfully to Bombur’s jacket, where he switched the positions of the salt and the sugar packages before coming back to where you were.

“See? That wasn’t so hard, and Bombur is nowhere near finished bathing, there wouldn’t have been a problem if I’d just-” Right as you were speaking, who should appear but the naked form of Bombur walking towards his clothing? Luckily enough from where you were, you and Dwalin could see Bombur with ease but he couldn’t see you. Your jaw dropped and your eyes widened in shock; you couldn’t believe what you were seeing. Dwalin’s reaction was much the same, but after a few seconds he came back to his senses and clamped his large hands over your eyes, causing you to burst into a fit of almost choking laughter that you had to hold back as best as you could whilst he dragged you away for fear of getting caught and ruining the prank.

 

* * *

  

> **~ Back at dinner time ~**

Bombur, who had just taken a large mouthful of his berries, pulled a face of pure disgust and spat the whole lot out over the dwarves who were sitting opposite. As a chef, he knew what had happened; Bombur knew what salt tasted like. He couldn’t understand how it had happened, however. In what can only be described as sheer panic, Bombur rooted around in his jacket until he found the two packages of white crystals and he dipped his finger into each. His face darkened – someone had switched the packages.  
  
Whilst normally willing to take full credit for your pranks, you decided that this time you’d rather not. Besides, Dwalin was the one who’d actually switched the packages. With a face like an angel you raised your hand in a mock-secretive manner and pointed to Dwalin, your eyes wide like a child telling a huge secret to the principle of their school.

Bombur merely took a few steps towards Dwalin (who was currently in a state of shock that you had ratted him out so quickly.)

 

* * *

 

A few hours after the incident, everything had gone back to normal. Everything, that is, except for the fact that Bombur was still stubbornly sitting on Dwalin’s head. Bombur, knowing full well that Dwalin was probably strong enough to get out of the position if he really tried, had told the other dwarf that if he pushed him off he wouldn’t cook for him for the rest of the trip, and that was a threat that Dwalin simply couldn’t ignore.  
  
Dwalin was only relieved of this compromising situation when Bombur went to his bedroll to rest; he had one of the watches that night and he wasn’t willing to sacrifice his own sleep to punish Dwalin any further. When he was finally free he went over to you, a deep set scowl on his face.

“Lass-” Before he could continue, you reached up on your tiptoes and kissed him lightly, effectively shutting him up.

“Hush, you great oaf, that’ll teach you to interfere with me when I’m putting my pranks into action.” After speaking you waltzed away to your bedroll, leaving one very surprised, very red dwarf in your wake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for waiting so patiently for this chapter update! I've been so busy with starting university, however I hope to be back and updating semi-regularly!


	5. The Twelve Days Of Dwarfmas – Part Five, In Which Bifur Keeps Losing His Things.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter the dwarf being pranked is the lovable Bifur, but this prank is a little different than the others we've seen so far. I hope you enjoy the mischeif!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's been a long time since I've updated this story and I do sincerely apologise however uni has been really kicking me up the butt. All i can promise is that I will continue to upload however inconsistently and that this story will get finished eventually <3 Love you all!

Bifur had, understandably, never been the same since an axe had imbedded itself into his skull. Whilst everyone found his oddities amusing, some of the dwarves took advantage of them to increase their amusement further. Items which he himself was _certain_ he didn’t misplace went missing, only to turn up somewhere that made absolutely no sense to him. It irritated him beyond measure; you were determined to find out which members of the company were behind it. It wasn’t fair – Bifur was a war hero and an honest member of the company. He deserved to be treated with respect.

You already had a fair idea of who could be behind it, but you needed to be sure. It wasn’t like you could just go around accusing people – particularly dwarves. Somehow you just had a feeling that they wouldn’t like that.

That night the dwarves were camped reasonably close to a small human settlement. You wanted to go there anyway to get ‘supplies’ for a future prank you had in mind, but you had also thought of a way to narrow your list of suspects. Bofur was on your list of suspects, considering he was one of the ones that laughed whenever Bifur had an episode of frustration – so much for familial love. Well, they were only cousins after all, not brothers. You would make Bofur accompany you to the village and if any of Bifur’s stuff went missing during that time, you would know he wasn’t one of the people doing it. Or at least, if he was involved you would know that more than one person was in on the joke.   
  
You knew that Dwalin would want to come with you to the village, but the package you were intending to pick up there was hardly something you wanted him to see you with. By taking Bofur with you, he’d be mad when he realised you were gone, but he’d know that you were somewhat protected and wouldn’t feel the need to go after you. Hopefully. He could be oddly protective at the strangest times.  

You and Bofur managed to slip away. It honestly wasn’t that hard. Between Fili and Kili’s arguments, Dori fussing over his brothers, and Thorin’s complete distraction by Bilbo’s many stories, the two of you could sneak away from the camping ground almost completely undetected. Dwalin was the only one who had noticed, but he’d kept quiet. He knew better than to mess with your pranks by now.

Once you were in the town, there were two shops you needed to go to, one significantly less embarrassing to enter than the other. The first shop was a butcher’s shop because you wanted to ask if you could buy a few white chicken feathers (preferably bloodless and not attached to the chicken). Bofur didn’t know where you were taking him, but he knew that the items you were picking up had something to do with your pranks and that was enough for him to happily follow you around, since your pranks had become a source of amusement to many members of the company, though not usually to the dwarf being pranked.

Getting the feathers from the butcher was hardly difficult. The Butcher seemed like a nice man, and when you’d asked for a few feathers he’d insisted that you take them for free. “What use are they t’me?” He’d said, and so your purse remained full.. or as full as it had been when you set out, which wasn’t very full anyway. Half of your task was completed, but the second part of your task would be much harder. Merely thinking about it brought colour to your cheeks.

“Before we continue-” You began, turning to Bofur. “You have to promise me your absolute discretion. If you tell anyone what we buy, you’ll ruin a future prank.” You spoke seriously, and he seemed to understand.

“I promise lass, no worries.”  You just had to trust that he would keep his word. Dwarves were supposed to be honourable, after all.

Somewhat satisfied, you led Bofur to the second shop.. a sex shop.. The two of you snuck inside, though Bofur’s eyes had gone wide as soon as he’d realised the destination. You bought what you needed and left, not wanting to spend any longer than you had to inside that place, and when you came out you quickly stuffed your purchase into your bag so no one would see it. But Bofur saw it.

He had been silent whilst inside the store, but now that the task was done, he seemed to have regained his voice. With that oh-so-characteristic mischievous twinkle in his eyes he began to speak.

“You know, lass.. if you’re in need of that kind of stress relief, I’m sure mister Dwalin would be happy to obli-” You didn’t let him finish his sentence, choosing instead to elbow him firmly in the stomach.

“Listen here. These are not for me, these are for a prank.” Your eyes bore holes into him, and the dwarf almost regretted his words, but he knew that given a chance to repeat the situation, he would’ve said the same thing all over again. “You better keep your promise of secrecy.”

To this, Bofur knew his answer instantly. “Of course.” If nothing else, Dwarves always kept their word.

* * *

 

You and Bofur made it back to camp without incident, though almost as soon as you arrived and settled beside the fire you found Dwalin beside you. You glanced to him, and he seemed almost more gruff than usual. There was only one conclusion.

“Did you miss me?” You asked gently, nudging his arm with your elbow. He didn’t even give you a proper answer, it was merely a noise, but it told you enough. “Ahh, so you did miss me.” You laughed, knowing the bald dwarf enough by now to understand the meaning behind his grunt. It wasn’t, however, something you could dwell on. You had other things to ask Dwalin.

“Anyway.. tell me, have any more of Bifur’s belongings been mysteriously moved whilst I was away?” Your voice was lowered, not wanting any of the other dwarves to hear that part of the conversation. Dwalin picked up on this, lowering his voice likewise.

“Aye, they have.” He nodded, leaning in closer to you subconsciously. “Why d’ya ask, lass?” Smiling, you reached over and pinched his cheek lightly. He immediately jerked back, looking shocked by your action.   
  
“Well you see, this rules out Bofur as a suspect.” With a grin, you crossed your arms one over the other. “There are only two dwarves I believe could be behind this, and I intend to catch them, but first I must prank our dear Bifur.”

* * *

 

The prank you had in mind for Bifur was a little bit different than the pranks you had done before, but you supposed it could still be considered a prank. You couldn’t bring yourself to be malicious to the brotherless dwarf. Not when he was already being pranked. It seemed obvious to you that Fili and Kili were behind it – you couldn’t really understand why no one had figured it out. Surely someone had some suspicions? Then again, maybe some of the dwarves thought it was just Bifur being.. odd. He did have an axe in his head after all.   
  
Coincidentally, many of Bifur’s things seemed to go missing during the night… when either Fili or Kili were on watch. How surprising. Luckily enough, Kili was on watch first that night so all you had to do was wait. You wanted to confirm your suspicions before you acted on anything.

Time passed quickly enough, and soon everyone was settled into their bedrolls and sleeping soundly. Everyone apart from Kili of course - who was now on watch – and you, although you took great care to imitate sleep. You even counted your breaths to make sure they were deep and even.

Soon enough, your effort paid off. When Kili thought he was completely free from watchful eyes, he snuck over to Bifur’s bag and took something out, placing it on the other side of the camp. That settled it. If Kili was involved, Fili had to be involved too. It was time to put your plan into action… but not right then. The plan could wait, you wanted to rest. On that thought, you rolled over onto your side and promptly fell asleep.

* * *

 

An opportunity to put your plan into action came the next night, and after a morning of Bifur getting frustrated once again that his objects seemed to be moving by themselves, you knew you couldn’t act too quickly. Fili was on watch first and Dwalin was second, so you could spy on Fili and get out of bed when Dwalin was on watch. You knew you could do whatever you wanted and trust him to keep quiet about it.

As expected, Fili took something of Bifur’s and misplaced it, the look on his face utterly mischievous. You committed where it was to memory before getting a few moments rest, since you needed Fili to be fully asleep before you could do anything. You awoke about half way through Dwalin’s watch and you were just about ready to grumble when you remembered why your body had woken you up in the first place; you had a task to do.

With a soft groan, you got up out of your warm bedroll, rubbing your eyes as you walked over to the spot where Bifur’s item was. Dwalin had noticed you get up and was looking at you curiously. All you did was put your finger to your lips in a gesture of secrecy and he understood enough to know that he wasn’t supposed to tell anyone you were awake. The dwarf rolled his eyes but settled back down again, content to let you do whatever you wanted. You took Bifur’s possession, which turned out to be a small pipe, and hid it in your pocket before going back to your bed. Step one complete.

* * *

 

The next morning you woke up to an altogether too familiar scene of chaos. After almost a week of this, the only two dwarves who still seemed to find real amusement in what was happening were the two young princes. All the other dwarves were getting a little exasperated, further confirming that Fili and Kili were the only two involved. With each passing item, Bifur seemed to get more and more angry. You honestly couldn’t blame him – you would probably behave the same if someone kept moving your things. You felt slightly guilty knowing that you were the one who now had Bifur’s pipe, but it was for a good cause. The day passed normally. The company had packed up their site near the human village, having replenished all the supplies they would need, and had journeyed the whole day on their ponies. It was a little boring sure, to be doing pretty much the same thing every day, but at least the weather had been nice and there were fresh supplies of food in everyone’s packs.

When you set up camp that night you discovered that neither Fili nor Kili were on watch for that evening, but you were on watch third. It was your least favourite shift, since it came pretty much in the middle of the night and effectively cut your sleeping time right in the middle, but that night you decided you would endure it and not try to get someone to swap with you as you normally did. It gave you a perfect opportunity for step two of your ‘prank’ on Bifur.

Everyone was asleep except you, or so you hoped, but then again you honestly couldn’t be bothered to check everyone. The only two members of the company who needed to be asleep were Fili and Kili, and if their almost identical snoring was anything to go by, they’d been fast asleep for hours.

You made your way over to where Bifur was sleeping and took out his pipe, carefully tucking it under his arm along with the feather. Once you were done, you made your way back to where you were keeping watch and waited to be relieved of your post so you could go back to sleep. You couldn’t wait for the morning to come.

* * *

 

When the morning did arrive, the company were once again aware of loud noises coming from Bifur, however they weren’t the usual angry yells. Instead, he was laughing. The pipe that had belonged to him for years had been returned, along with a feather. He was confused, of course, but he wasn’t about to question what had happened. He had his pipe back after all. No one else really paid that much attention other than Fili and Kili, and no one could possibly be more confused than they were in that moment. Hadn’t they hidden that pipe when everyone was asleep? They were sure that they had… but then how on earth had it been returned to the very dwarf they had stolen it from, and why with a feather?

The next few days repeated in the following pattern:

  * you would wait for Fili or Kili to steal something belonging to Bifur
  * you would then sneak out of bed after they were asleep and steal it yourself
  * you would wait till the next night and return it to Bifur along with a white feather from the butcher.



Soon enough, however, you noticed that your supply of feathers was beginning to run out, so you couldn’t keep up the pattern much longer. Luckily enough, the two young dwarves seemed to be losing interest in their little game, considering someone kept ruining it for them. As for Bifur, well, suffice it to say that he was convinced he had a guardian angel looking over him, probably someone sent by Mahal, to replace and return everything that someone was stealing from him, and he was happy enough.

Kili remained confused about what was happening, but Fili was starting to suspect the truth. Clearly someone from the company had found them out and was pranking them in return.. but who? He had some idea, but he didn’t want to get caught.

A night came where Fili was on watch first, followed by yourself and then Balin. You had seen Fili acting a little strangely throughout the day, and felt certain that he was going to try something, and so in secret you asked Dwalin if he would swap with Balin, to which of course he agreed.

Whilst Fili was on watch, he snuck over to Bifur as expected and stole yet another one of his items and misplaced it. As usual, you were waiting up to watch him. The lack of sleep was beginning to catch up with you, and you knew that you needed to bring this whole situation to an end, or else you’d probably end up passing out on your pony. You watched Fili settle down, letting him believe that he hadn’t been watched committing such a heinous act.

Once on your watch, you collected Bifur’s property and simply waited until Dwalin would relieve you of your post. Step three was underway.

* * *

 

As expected, when Dwalin was on watch and Fili thought you were asleep, he snuck out of his bedroll and over to where he had hidden Bifur’s item. It was gone. Before Fili had time to think anything through, you snuck out over to him with a silent gesture to Dwalin to follow you and placed your hand on the Dwarf’s shoulder.

“Looking for something?” You asked coyly, dangling the little pouch that he had snatched from Bifur in front of his face. Fili’s eyes widened upon being caught, and they widened even further when he saw Dwalin beside you, his arms crossed defensively. The young blonde dwarf couldn’t formulate a proper reply, his mouth opening and closing like a fish and no sound came out. You weren’t about to drag this out any longer than necessary.. your bed was already calling out to you after all.

“Listen here, princeling.” You began, and if your tone wasn’t already menacing enough, Dwalin’s presence beside you was enough to get Fili’s attention. “You’re going to stop this little game of yours, and you’re going to tell your brother to stop as well. Otherwise you’ll be dealing with Dwalin here and not me, understand?” Dwalin honestly had no idea what was going on, but he was smart enough to keep quiet and play along with whatever it was you were doing, and so he let out a small grunt of agreement. It would be a lie if he’d said the sheer panic that the sound caused on the face of the smaller dwarf didn’t give him some kind of satisfaction. At least he knew his reputation as a warrior hadn’t tarnished.

The threat of being ‘dealt with’ by Dwalin certainly wasn’t lost on the young prince, and he nodded instantly. You handed Bifur’s pouch back to Fili with a sickeningly sweet smile. “Now, why don’t you put this back where you found it, and we can pretend like none of this ever happened, hmm?” He nodded again, taking the pouch back to Bifur so quickly that he almost tripped over Bombur’s sleeping form. You had to bite your lip to hold back a laugh.

“Well, I think he got the message, don’t you?” You murmured quietly as you turned to Dwalin, who nodded. “Aye. Is this why ye wanted me t’be on watch and not Balin?”

“Of course. I don’t know anyone more intimidating than you.” Your response caused the dwarf to puff up with pride, and you couldn’t help but kiss his cheek, causing a different reaction in him. Within moments his whole face had turned bright red, but of course you didn’t mention that. With a yawn, you went back to your bedroll, satisfied that no more of Bifur’s things would go missing.. and well, if they did, you had a willing accomplice to make those responsible pay for their actions.

“In the future, all pranks should be left up to me.”


	6. The Twelve Days Of Dwarfmas – Part Six, In Which Bofur’s Hat Learns How To Fly.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter, you turn your pranking skills on poor Bofur. There's nothing else to say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, two chapters uploaded in the same week. Who is she? We don't know her. Anyway, please enjoy this latest instalment of the twelve days of dwarfmas!

Sometimes the question of who to prank next was difficult, and sometimes it was easy. On this occasion, it was very easy. The cheekiness of Bofur’s words when you’d taken him with you to buy slightly dodgy looking supplies for a future prank had labelled him as an obvious target. You knew any prank involving Bofur had to include his hat somehow, but just how exactly that would happen, you weren’t sure.

It was when Gandalf made one of his strangely rare appearances with the company that you began to formulate a plan. The Grey wizard had shown you a particular object of his – Magic rope. The rope turned invisible once a knot was tied in it, so long as you held part of it in your hand. If the knot came loose or you let go of it, it would become visible again. Even better than that, it was so light you could hardly feel it even when you were holding the whole thing bundled up on your lap. Though the details hadn’t quite been worked out yet, you just knew that you needed this rope in order to prank Bofur. You asked Gandalf if you could borrow the rope for a while, to which he agreed, though jokingly told you not to use it for anything mischievous. You could only wink at the old wizard and scurry away holding your new prank tool.

* * *

 

It was like you had prank block. No matter how hard you thought you couldn’t force your brain to give birth to yet another brilliant idea. You’d been sitting hunched up beside the campfire for over an hour, staring into the flames and just willing yourself to come up with something. In this time, the slight crease between your eyebrows had become a deep crevasse. Soon enough there was a thick finger poking your forehead.

“You’re gonna cut into your skin if that wrinkle gets any deeper-”  It was Kili. “You never look this grumpy when you’re with Dwalin-“ The young dwarf barely got to finish his sentence before he was thwacked over the head by your palm.

“Shut up princeling, I’m thinking.”

He sat down beside you and laughed it off, though you did spot his hand sneaking up to rub the back of his head from the corner of your eye.

“Thinking? That spells trouble – what’re you planning?” You raised a finger and shook it in front of his face. “What’s the point in me telling you? It’ll spoil the fun.” The dwarf groaned and he fell backwards slowly to lie down. Still, he knew there was nothing he could do to convince you to tell him something if you’d already decided upon keeping it a secret. The truth was, there was hardly anything  you could tell him – you knew you were going to prank Bofur, but you still hadn’t figured out what the heck you were going to do.

* * *

 

Several days later and you still hadn’t come up with an idea and it was really starting to bother you. Honestly thinking about it so much was giving you a headache and you weren’t sure how much more of it you could take.

Once again the company was encamped for the night around a fire. It wasn’t yet time to sleep, and so no one had been specifically set on watch yet. You’d already settled yourself next to Dwalin but with a loud sigh you flopped over his lap. “I hate my brain. It has failed me.”

Dwalin puffed up a little but he wasn’t all that surprised by your actions – you’d been treating him like your own personal heated, hairy, muscular pillow for some time now. The rest of the dwarves around the campfire were somewhat more surprised, but none of them dared to say anything. Instead they all glanced around at each other, raising their eyebrows and exaggerating their expressions as best as they could to communicate without saying anything. “Warriors don’t give up.” Was all Dwalin said to you before setting his focus back on sharpening his axes.

 

Despite the fact that he probably wasn’t listening to you anymore and your voice was muffled in the many layers of clothing he was wearing, you replied. “You’re right Dwalin. And I am a warrior-“ You suddenly sat up. This caught his attention, as normally once you found yourself lying on him there was no budging you for hours. He turned his head a little to glance at you and his eyes widen. He felt a strange sense of terror on behalf of whoever was going to be pranked next… you just had that look in your eyes that told him inspiration had just struck.

* * *

 

It was early morning. You’d been given the last shift on watch, which essentially meant you just had to wake up early – there was no opportunity to go back to sleep after the shift was over since then everyone would be packing up and getting ready to head back out on their journey.

You decided to take advantage of this blessed opportunity to put your prank into action. Bofur was sleeping between his brother – Bombur – and his cousin – Bifur. Luckily all three dwarves were pretty heavy sleepers… then again, it seemed like all the dwarves were heavy sleepers if their ability to sleep through the deafening snoring was anything to go by. Bofur was, as always, wearing his hat. Yes, even when he was sleeping that sucker never came off. You thought it was a little eccentric of him, but at least in this instance it was convenient for you as you didn’t have to search for his hat at all, it was just right there on his head.  

Even though he was a heavy sleeper, you still needed to be careful, and so you crept up towards him and carefully attached one end of the rope to his hat. As soon as the knot was tied, the rope turned invisible. You dropped it and it became visible again. Your hands found the very end of the rope and you wound it around your palm a few times, of course, as soon as you had it in your grasp it had once again turned invisible.

You settled against a tree near the sleeping dwarf, keeping the rope slack so that he wouldn’t be able to feel it at all when he woke up. Sure, it would be a little difficult to pull this prank off. It was going to take far more effort than usual on your side, but it would be worth it, and honestly you didn’t see what else you could do to involve Bofur’s hat in a prank than what you now had planned.

* * *

 

 

Bofur woke up and as usual his very first action was to reach up and check that his hat was still in place. A little weird, you thought, since honestly what was the chance that his hat would disappear during the night? Surely, he couldn’t be checking to see if you’d simply snatched his hat? How unimaginative did he think you were with pranks?

Throughout the morning, you had to trail Bofur around at what you were terming your ‘optimum distance’. You had to be far enough away that he wouldn’t really notice you too much, but if you were too far away he’d be able to feel the tug of the rope. You needed to ensure you were close enough to keep the magical rope slack. Of course, you enlisted Dwalin’s help in all this. At one point you grew tired from keeping up with Bofur – who knew that he was one of the fastest walkers in the group? When this happened, you’d grumbled something at the gruff, tattooed dwarf and climbed onto his back. He didn’t even mutter a complaint… or rather, he didn’t complain about the fact that you were up there. What he did complain about was the fact that he could ‘barely feel you’ up there.

“Yer’ lighter ‘an one of me axes lass.. how little do ye eat?” And other similar sentences could be heard coming from him for at least a quarter of an hour. Once again, a few of the dwarfs were intently watching this exchange. Balin in particular stared at you long enough that you actually felt his gaze pricking the back of your neck. Even so, you chose to ignore it.

You were waiting for the right moment. You didn’t want it to be obviously a prank at first, and so you waited for a large gust of wind. When you felt it, you surreptitiously tugged on the rope as the wind tore through the company and sure enough Bofur’s hat fell to the ground. The dwarf jumped, evidently startled by the sudden rush of cold to the top of his head. Of the dwarves who had witnessed this event, most of them laughed. It was a pretty rare occasion to see Bofur without his hat on, as he never really took it off willingly.

This continued for several hours. Whenever there was a strong gust of wind, you would pull the rope and Bofur’s hat would fly off. Now, Bofur was not an idiot. After a while he began to suspect that _someone_ was doing _something._ As if to confirm his thoughts, you began to tug on the rope whenever you felt like it, whether there was a strong wind or not. This only made Bofur more irate each time his hat flew off. What was worse was that he had no idea how it was happening. Obviously you were his first suspect, but you were some way behind him and were doing a great job of pretending to be asleep on Dwalin’s broad back. After that he suspected the two princes, but each time his hat flew off he whipped around only to see that they were too far away from him for it to have been them.

This continued for some time with Bofur’s hat flying off his head at completely unexpected moments. Just when he was beginning to think that it might not happen again, off his hat would go. However, as previously mentioned, Bofur was no idiot. Short of some enchantment, he couldn’t see what else could be causing his hat to fly off other than a rope. But how? How could there be a rope attached to his hat when he himself could see his hat as plain as day and _there was simply no rope to be found._

The answer came when he absent-mindedly went to scratch at his hat, only to feel something there. Bofur paused in his actions, confused. You were unfortunately distracted in that moment sharing some silly joke with Fili, who was now walking beside Dwalin as he carried you. Bofur moved his hand to that same spot again to be sure he wasn’t imagining things. Sure enough, there was definitely something there, his eyes be damned.

Bofur caught hold of what he felt and tugged it. From behind him, a startled – and suspiciously feminine – gasp could be hear. Bofur instantly whipped around and he saw your arm stretched out over Dwalin’s shoulder and out in front of him as if it had just been pulled into that position by some strange force. He’d caught you.

“Ohh shit-“ You rushed out, dropping the rope in your haste as you scrambled off of Dwalin’s back. Bofur was already barrelling towards you. Trying not to get anything snagged on grasper and keeper, you’d only just lowered yourself to the floor when you found yourself knocked off your feet by Bofur. Now that he’d caught the perpetrator he was able to see the humour in the situation, but despite this he was still out for revenge. You squawked loudly as your back hit the earth and you found yourself flattened into the dirt by the heavy dwarf who’d landed right on top of you. The other dwarves had stopped walking to watch as one of their own finally managed to get their own back after one of your pranks.

Under Bofur’s weight there was no escape and you playfully yelled out as he raised his hands and wiggled his fingers before going in for the kill.

“Bofur no- no-“ You couldn’t help but laugh and squirm as he began to tickle you. Obviously, this wasn’t enough to earn his mercy and he continued until you were practically crying with laughter. “Oh flip Bofur you gotta stop-“ You managed to get out between the hysterical laughter. “I’m gonna _pee._ ”

It was clear that Bofur still had no intention of stopping, and whilst most of the dwarves honestly found this sweet revenge hilarious, there was one dwarf who was getting steadily more and more irritated by the extended physical contact – Dwalin. Balin had noticed his brother getting more and more worked up and when it seemed that his brother was about to burst, Balin hastily whispered something to both Kili and Fili, who took a second to glance at Dwalin before barrelling into Bofur and in the process knocking him off you.

“Prince attack!” They yelled as Bofur gawked, suddenly finding himself the victim of a double-dwarf tickle attack. Almost as soon as Bofur was off you, you find yourself scooped up and thrown over Dwalin’s shoulder as he seemed to be constantly grumbling words that were just slightly too quiet for you to pick up on. The fireman hold that he had on you was pressing into your stomach and you groaned a little and reached out to Balin.

“Save me Balin, pleeeeease-“ He merely shook his head. He’d already intervened and prevented Bofur’s head from being crushed by his brother, he saw no reason to try and anger his brother further.

“Lass, I can tell you that pig-headed dwarf has no intention of putting you down for a very long time.”


End file.
